Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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