i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
