I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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