fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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