I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
