Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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