The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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