Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
