wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
