I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
