his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
