Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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