He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
