This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
