she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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