He disabled his match.com account in front of me
one might say we're banned from that church
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
