At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize