Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
