Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
