Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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