I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
