You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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