Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
