I think my fart just growled at me.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
