No stitches, just platelets and will power
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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