I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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