i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
