Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
