new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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