Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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