After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
