my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
