So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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