you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize