i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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