i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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