SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
