Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
