seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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