Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
