im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
