if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
