Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
