And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We need to rekindle our bromance
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
