You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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