I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just threw up on my dentist
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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