Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
