I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize