genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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