So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
