You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
