i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
