I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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