The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
