Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
