I think my fart just growled at me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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