just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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