I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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